another breakdown.

It's right when the evening comes that her demons wake up. They start crawling on her skin, staring at her face, laughing and watching her while she becomes self-conscious, starts hating herself, shivering, crying, screaming, pulling her hair, punching the wall till her knuckles get all red. It's a never ending war inside her brain. It's so intense that the only way out seems to be leaving this world for good. A knife. Some pills. The balcony. So many ways.

-

Sometimes I want to shoot my brain for overthinking about our friendship, or stab my heart for still loving you.

#talkingtomyself.

I think I fell for her.

I think I fell for her the day we started talking.
July 13th 2019.
The day I stumbled upon her profile. When I realized we had so much in common. We just clicked. We talked for hours as if we had been friends for years. Everything she said was a way of comfort for me.

I think I fell for her the day we first met in person.
July 19th 2019.
Her short ginger hair with pink hues. Tan skin. Jean overalls.
We talked about everything. Our favourite musicians. Our dreams. We'd watch videos. Jesse. Tyler. Josh. Taylor Momsen.

I think I fell for her when I saw that photoshoot and read the book.
The book that talked about red haired girls. So many red heads I'd met, and her face was the first that would pop up in my mind while reading. Nihil.
She was my Nihil. Still, I'd negate it.

I think I fell for her when I'd return home from the beach and she'd be in the DMs asking how I was.
I'd eat watermelon and share memes or cute pics of Tyler and Josh.

I think I fell for her even when she cut her hair shorter and dyed it black. She looked so badass. And something inside me was dying to hug her again.

I think I fell for her when I met her in October. That coffee shop. The smile emojis on the drinks. "Chlorine" playing on the radio. I was so happy. And I didn't know why.

I think I fell for her the last time we met. February. Another coffee shop. A photoshoot. Talking about Halsey. Talking about how sunny it was despite the cold.

Now it's been 6 months without seeing her, and it hurts. It's killing me inside.
I THINK I'VE FALLEN FOR HER.

june 2020.

Jepini moral atyre që kanë ide të prapambetura, atyre që mbështesin racizmin apo dhunën dhe shtypjen e femrave, jo atyre që e ngrenë zërin për këto raste. Bota është vend tepër i keq dhe sjellje të tilla toksike thjesht sa i hedhin më shumë benzinë zjarrit.
Nëse ke një portal dhe ndjekës në internet përdore akoma më shumë. Por ndryshimi dhe kontributi fillon në atë që ti bën për komunitetin tënd.
Ndonjëherë nuk di ç'të them se gjithmonë do dalë dikush që do kërkojë të më qepë gojën. Por nuk e qep. Sidomos për faktin që nëse lind femër, je automatikisht e mallkuar për gjithë jetën. Do thoni ju "ka raste që i jepen përparësi femrave". Ok, por shumë të rralla. Dhe 99% e këtyre rasteve femrës i kërkohen favore seksuale. Pse? Se jetojmë në një botë maskiliste. Në një botë kur vajzat, sapo fillojnë të ecin e të flasin, i "edukojnë" me ide të tipit "bëhu gocë për shtëpi", "mos e ngri zërin", "s'të ka lezet se je gocë", mos kështu, mos ashtu. Djemve u thuhet "gjej ndonjë të dashur, kape ndonjërën", ndërsa gocat të mos guxojnë as të flasin se pupupu, turp kush i sheh, mos dhëntë "perëndia" që një vajzë të flasë me djem qoftë edhe thjesht për detyrat apo të ketë miqësi të sinqerta. Djemtë le t'a ndezin ndonjë fije cigare se ashtu duken më "maço", ndërsa vajza as të shoqërohet me ata që pijnë cigare se "do e heq nga shkolla e s'e lë të dalë më nga pragu i derës".
I kam përjetuar në lëkurën time këto, prandaj flas. Kam 24 vite jetë që pyes Nënën Natyrë pse më bëri femër. Jam e lodhur.
Në protesta nuk shkoj dot, por nëse mundem sadopak të ndryshoj idetë e njerëzve në komunitetin tim, atëherë do e bëj. Dhe këtë gjë duhet t'a bëni edhe ju. Kaq kisha.

June 28th, 13:06.

They will pour gasoline on you, then yell at you for burning the place down.

August 3rd 2020.

I don't have anything to get excited for.
Anything to look forward to.
Nothing excites me. Nothing makes me happy.

I'm like that song: Waiting for a light that never comes.
Maybe I missed it and it's already gone out.
Who cares? Maybe I do.

july 24th 2020.

Mendoj se me kalimin e kohës thjesht mësohesh të bashkëjetosh me trishtimin. E përshëndet, e pyet "si je", çdo aktivitet e kryen me të.
Me trishtimin zgjohesh, me të fle, me të dëgjon muzikë. Trishtimi bëhet shoku yt i ngushtë. Saqë gradualisht fillon të harrosh se ke miq të tjerë. Ose thjesht të duket sikur të kanë lënë vetëm. Se trishtimi është i vetmi shok që ke afër. I vetmi që nuk të shkëputet. Si hija që sheh teksa shëtit.
Trishtimi bëhet i vetmi shoqërues, derisa kupton që nuk ke më shpirt. Gjithçka që ka ngelur prej teje është lëkura dhe kockat. Nuk ke më motiv për të kërkuar lumturinë. Nuk ke më dëshirë të përparosh. Nuk ekziston më. Praktikisht ke vdekur.

I think you just eventually get used to living with sadness. From the "good morning" to "goodnight", you just do everything in its company.
Sadness is who you wake up with, who you go to sleep with, who you listen to music with. Sadness becomes your best friend. And gradually you forget about your other friends. Or you simply feel like they've abandoned you. Cause sadness is the only one beside you. The only one not leaving your side. Just like your own shadow.
Sadness becomes your only companion, until you realize that you've become soulless. All that's left from you is skin and bone. You have no reasons to chase happiness. You no longer have the will to go further. You no longer exist. You're basically dead.

April 7th 2020, 00:25.

I realise I was too stupid to believe that you could ever care about me. That you could ever think about our friendship and my presence as something enjoyable and beautiful. I was just a burden, all the time. And as a burden, I'll be lifted of your shoulders.
You won't hear from me again. You won't read my name in your phone. You won't see me again.

But I loved you. More than you could ever imagine. More than you ever deserved. I loved you for real, I supported you even after you made me feel like shit.
Maybe I should've left way earlier. Maybe it would hurt less.

Be happy.
Goodbye. 

E lodhur. [8 Mars 2020]

Jam e lodhur nga njerëzit.
E keni parasysh lodhjen shpirtërore?
Shpirti im do pushim.
Pushim nga çdo njeri që e bën të ndihet i lodhur, i dërrmuar, i copëtuar.
Pushim nga dobësia e vet, tendenca për t'u afeksionuar pas atyre që nuk e meritojnë.
Pushim nga momentet kur kapërdin lotët që i mblidhen në fyt.
Pushim nga çdo rast kur mendja fillon e stërmendon çdo situatë e çdo njeri.
Pushim nga çdo lloj ndjenje.
Jam e lodhur, më kuptoni?

march 5th 2020.

Trying so hard to hate you.
Trying to count all of your flaws to remind myself daily of why I shouldn't even think of you.
Trying to remember all those times when you've made me feel like shit.
Trying to avoid seeing you everyday so my feelings can somehow vanish.
Trying to drown them with alcohol...
...and failing miserably.
Because I still love you.
More and more.
To the point where I feel hopeless.

july 18th 2020.

What the hell do I write today?
Every single day is the same. Same type of sadness, exhaust, mental blockage, anxiety, suicide thoughts.

People say: "get up, do something for your life".
How do I even do that when my strength is all gone.
Hope is all lost. I have zero will to fight for a better life. I feel completely NUMB.

Is this what death feels like?

-

Stop messing with my head, 

Or come and make a mess on my bed.

F.

Era tutto più bello quando per me eri solo uno straniero, l'amico dei miei amici che festeggiava il suo compleanno, che provava il mio cappello...

Ed io che ti guardavo tipo "Quant'è felice, magari avessi anch'io una festa di compleanno così".

O quegli strani momenti, silenziosi, che tu giocavi coi miei capelli, ed io tipo "Ma questo che cazzo fa?"

O quel pomeriggio in cui avevo appena perso il lavoro e pianto, tu che senza sapere niente mi consolavi, mangiando una lecca-lecca e ascoltando The Weeknd. 

Era tutto così bello. 

Eri ancora uno straniero. 

Fino a quella sera. Quella festa. 

Non ti volevo vedere. Eppure sei arrivato. 

A scuotere il mio pianeta. 

A farmi sentire amata e desiderata...E ora? 

Non te ne frega un cazzo.

sparse thoughts.

Lascerò che il vento di montagna asciughi le mie lacrime. 

I've let my heart be stepped on by people who hid knives in their pockets. 

There are still people who glorify drugs and shame sobriety. That's the cancer of our society. 

Il popolo dice "mai giudicare un libro dalla copertina", io invece direi "mai comprare un libro prima di leggere le recensioni".

Every trace of blue hair has now faded, and with it so have all the memories we shared. 

The blue haired goddess is DEAD. 

social rant. [aug. 15th 2019]

I'm done with meme pages and people who enjoy roasting other people for their taste. This is so toxic. 

We already live in a world full of negativity, the nature is dying, racist and misogynistic people are running around doing harm, and what do some people do? They make memes about teenagers who have chosen to express themselves in different ways. 

They enjoy shaming girls and boys who dress a certain way, listen to a certain genre, go to certain places and just do things a certain way. 

Excuse me, but in a fucked up world like this what do you pretend? The people you are shaming have simply chosen a way to escape the negativity that surrounds them. They've chosen to create their own small world where they can feel safe and happy. And if this makes them feel good, leave them the fuck alone. 

Let me tell you that shaming other people doesn't make you any better. Before pointing your fingers towards someone, make sure you're clean yourself first. It's easy to judge, but it's not easy to overcome the consequences of bullying. 

You know how the saying goes : Live and let live!

Also, ever heard of minding your own fucking business? You should try it sometimes.

keep your head up.

No matter how much your heart gets broken, no matter how many friends disappoint you, no matter how bad things go. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. 

Cause in the end, nobody gives a fuck about you more than you do.

Ode To Sleep inspo.

Sometimes I think of my demons as a bunch of inhumane beings that start dancing when the night comes.
And then start yelling at me, telling me I'm not good enough. I'll never be.
And then I start hating myself, feeling unlovable, undeserving, unable to find a proper life goal and chase it. 

But then I wake up. It's morning. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. Everything feels and looks okay.
I don't hear those voices screaming at me anymore.
I must have kicked them out. 

04.06.19

My mom called me. 

I was in the verge of a breakdown. 

She heard my voice cracking. 

"What's wrong with you now?".

"Nothing".

"You're just stressed about exams, don't worry honey. Go out and free your mind".

But the truth is, I'm lonely. 

I feel left out. No matter how much I try to convince my brain that my friends are simply busy, it won't listen.

"They've abandoned you. They've forgotten that you exist. They don't care. They never did".

And I guess I'll eventually believe those voices. 

100619

Trynna get through the day, 

Trynna go my own way, 

Trynna forget what happened yesterday 

And especially today. 

My heart is torn, 

Into million pieces, 

And the fault is my own, 

Cuz I'm the one that ruined it. 

I know I'm mean, 

I know I'm negative, 

But most of all, 

I know I never mean it. 

I never wanted to lose you, 

But I broke this with my own fucking hands, 

And now I miss you, 

But you are never coming back. 

And I don't deserve you, 

But my heart's aching day by day, 

And if I could say a last thing,

I'd beg you to stay. 

morning thoughts. [May 1st 2019]

My mind takes me to different places. Some are beautiful, some are ugly. Sometimes I'm alive, sometimes I'm dead. 

But all it takes is putting my hand on my chest to realize that there's a heart beating in there.

Friends? [April 24th 2019]

Friends come and go. Each one of them is a lesson. They teach you that nothing lasts forever. Everyone is temporary and no one is irreplaceable. And that's okay. I've got used to that. I've got used to being left out, sometimes even forgotten. Hell, I've even got used to being kept close just out of pity. 

And I hate when people feel sorry about me.

I am human and I need to be loved like a normal person. Despite the mess I am. Despite all the demons who live in my head. When they're asleep, I'm okay. I can function like any other being. But when they wake up, that's the person you wouldn't wanna meet. And some of you think I'm like that all the time. 

NO. 

I'm not depressed all the time. There are moments when I'm okay, as I already said. But I want to talk about mental health because it's normal. The more we talk about it, the easier it gets for everyone who's struggling. 

But that's not the point. The point is how I'm accepting that I'm just a drop in the ocean. I'm not important. I'm coming to terms with it. This way I'll learn not to expect anything from anyone.

I am used to loneliness. 

Time will heal. [June 2019]

Days ago you told me

"Eventually time will heal",

But I don't fucking know

If that shit ever will. 

Cuz every day that passes, 

I sit alone in here, 

While trying too hard, 

To hold back my fucking tears. 

And my heart's still aching, 

For everything that I've lost, 

I'm tired of living, 

I've turned myself into a ghost. 

I've lost some of the people, 

That I thought loved me the most, 

Apparently this world hates me, 

I'm an asshole and it shows. 

Maybe love isn't for me.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be loved. Maybe mother Nature had other plans when she created me, and feeling loved wasn't one of them.

That's why I keep suffering. I'll suffer until I die. I will walk the streets with blood dripping from my heart. With tears dripping from my eyes. That's what my life is now. 

Who knows? Maybe I'll die and none will show up in my funeral. Hahahaha. Funny right? Funny how my life is like.

Maybe death is the only choice. We'll all die someday after all. 

Rant. (13.11.19, 02:20 AM).

Sometimes I feel ashamed of existing. Like, sorry if I'm the perfect example of human failure, living and breathing on the same planet as you. 

old one. still accurate.

Dicono che vivo le cose troppo intensamente e che mi sbaglio di grosso, ma alla fine io sono fatta così. 

Mi innamoro facilmente? Cazzi miei.

Mi faccio del male? Ancora cazzi miei.

Il mio cuore appartiene solo a me. Che ne sanno gli altri? Che ne sanno gli amici che mi hanno detto “È solo un'ossessione”? 

Nessuno sa come funziona il mio cuore, come mi innamoro delle persone sbagliate, come decido di buttarmi da quel ponte chiamato “amore”, da cui non è affatto facile uscire. Nessuno è me, quindi nessuno ha il diritto di etichettare le mie scelte.

It's been quite a while...

Hello.

I take pictures. People, animals, landscape, objects, whatever.I try to be as versatile as possible. I don't like to fit in a "box" and be defined as a specific photographer. 

Some friends in the past have told me that I should only stick to shooting objects because portrait photography is not for me. Well, guess what? Recently I'm only working on portraits. 

I'm also working on my editing skills. Not the best, I know, I could do better. But there's always the opportunity to improve and that's what I am doing.