Wed, 27 January 2021, 8:47 PM.

They say, "sadness makes you creative".

But is it true though? Do we always have to be sad, to get hurt, to feel a shit load of negative emotions in order to create? Why can't creativity be the fruit of happiness? Why can't we feel joy and create?

Why does it always have to be dark?

We're humans. As humans, we tend to feel. A LOT.

How about we celebrate it more? How about we grab a notebook and start writing or drawing or singing when we're happy? When we're in love? When we feel confident? When we love life?

I believe we need to do this more, maybe because happiness is rare. Feeling joyful comes in small drops. It's like gold. And when it ends, it tends to remain as just that; a beautiful memory we grasp and admire everytime we miss it. And maybe, this way, we can experience it once again.

feb 1st 2021, 00:14.

State of numbness.

It's weird. You're calm and peaceful, but at the same time you feel tormented. You feel like you need to break out of the prison your brain is stuck in. You feel weak. You know you're okay, but at the same time you're not.

There are moments full of energy bursts, you get up, do housework, listen to music. Sometimes you will sing. Read. Feel like there's hope outside of the walls you're in.

And there are those moments when you feel completely the opposite. You feel like your brain is asleep. Like your body isn't yours anymore. Like you need someone to pinch or shake you out of the numbness, the grey that your perception has become.

And then you wonder; is it always gonna be like this?

Is it always gonna feel and look so grey?

Am I always gonna be this numb and powerless?

another breakdown.

It's right when the evening comes that her demons wake up. They start crawling on her skin, staring at her face, laughing and watching her while she becomes self-conscious, starts hating herself, shivering, crying, screaming, pulling her hair, punching the wall till her knuckles get all red. It's a never ending war inside her brain. It's so intense that the only way out seems to be leaving this world for good. A knife. Some pills. The balcony. So many ways.

-

Sometimes I want to shoot my brain for overthinking about our friendship, or stab my heart for still loving you.

#talkingtomyself.

I think I fell for her.

I think I fell for her the day we started talking.
July 13th 2019.
The day I stumbled upon her profile. When I realized we had so much in common. We just clicked. We talked for hours as if we had been friends for years. Everything she said was a way of comfort for me.

I think I fell for her the day we first met in person.
July 19th 2019.
Her short ginger hair with pink hues. Tan skin. Jean overalls.
We talked about everything. Our favourite musicians. Our dreams. We'd watch videos. Jesse. Tyler. Josh. Taylor Momsen.

I think I fell for her when I saw that photoshoot and read the book.
The book that talked about red haired girls. So many red heads I'd met, and her face was the first that would pop up in my mind while reading. Nihil.
She was my Nihil. Still, I'd negate it.

I think I fell for her when I'd return home from the beach and she'd be in the DMs asking how I was.
I'd eat watermelon and share memes or cute pics of Tyler and Josh.

I think I fell for her even when she cut her hair shorter and dyed it black. She looked so badass. And something inside me was dying to hug her again.

I think I fell for her when I met her in October. That coffee shop. The smile emojis on the drinks. "Chlorine" playing on the radio. I was so happy. And I didn't know why.

I think I fell for her the last time we met. February. Another coffee shop. A photoshoot. Talking about Halsey. Talking about how sunny it was despite the cold.

Now it's been 6 months without seeing her, and it hurts. It's killing me inside.
I THINK I'VE FALLEN FOR HER.

june 2020.

Jepini moral atyre që kanë ide të prapambetura, atyre që mbështesin racizmin apo dhunën dhe shtypjen e femrave, jo atyre që e ngrenë zërin për këto raste. Bota është vend tepër i keq dhe sjellje të tilla toksike thjesht sa i hedhin më shumë benzinë zjarrit.
Nëse ke një portal dhe ndjekës në internet përdore akoma më shumë. Por ndryshimi dhe kontributi fillon në atë që ti bën për komunitetin tënd.
Ndonjëherë nuk di ç'të them se gjithmonë do dalë dikush që do kërkojë të më qepë gojën. Por nuk e qep. Sidomos për faktin që nëse lind femër, je automatikisht e mallkuar për gjithë jetën. Do thoni ju "ka raste që i jepen përparësi femrave". Ok, por shumë të rralla. Dhe 99% e këtyre rasteve femrës i kërkohen favore seksuale. Pse? Se jetojmë në një botë maskiliste. Në një botë kur vajzat, sapo fillojnë të ecin e të flasin, i "edukojnë" me ide të tipit "bëhu gocë për shtëpi", "mos e ngri zërin", "s'të ka lezet se je gocë", mos kështu, mos ashtu. Djemve u thuhet "gjej ndonjë të dashur, kape ndonjërën", ndërsa gocat të mos guxojnë as të flasin se pupupu, turp kush i sheh, mos dhëntë "perëndia" që një vajzë të flasë me djem qoftë edhe thjesht për detyrat apo të ketë miqësi të sinqerta. Djemtë le t'a ndezin ndonjë fije cigare se ashtu duken më "maço", ndërsa vajza as të shoqërohet me ata që pijnë cigare se "do e heq nga shkolla e s'e lë të dalë më nga pragu i derës".
I kam përjetuar në lëkurën time këto, prandaj flas. Kam 24 vite jetë që pyes Nënën Natyrë pse më bëri femër. Jam e lodhur.
Në protesta nuk shkoj dot, por nëse mundem sadopak të ndryshoj idetë e njerëzve në komunitetin tim, atëherë do e bëj. Dhe këtë gjë duhet t'a bëni edhe ju. Kaq kisha.

June 28th, 13:06.

They will pour gasoline on you, then yell at you for burning the place down.