july 24th 2020.

Mendoj se me kalimin e kohës thjesht mësohesh të bashkëjetosh me trishtimin. E përshëndet, e pyet "si je", çdo aktivitet e kryen me të.
Me trishtimin zgjohesh, me të fle, me të dëgjon muzikë. Trishtimi bëhet shoku yt i ngushtë. Saqë gradualisht fillon të harrosh se ke miq të tjerë. Ose thjesht të duket sikur të kanë lënë vetëm. Se trishtimi është i vetmi shok që ke afër. I vetmi që nuk të shkëputet. Si hija që sheh teksa shëtit.
Trishtimi bëhet i vetmi shoqërues, derisa kupton që nuk ke më shpirt. Gjithçka që ka ngelur prej teje është lëkura dhe kockat. Nuk ke më motiv për të kërkuar lumturinë. Nuk ke më dëshirë të përparosh. Nuk ekziston më. Praktikisht ke vdekur.

I think you just eventually get used to living with sadness. From the "good morning" to "goodnight", you just do everything in its company.
Sadness is who you wake up with, who you go to sleep with, who you listen to music with. Sadness becomes your best friend. And gradually you forget about your other friends. Or you simply feel like they've abandoned you. Cause sadness is the only one beside you. The only one not leaving your side. Just like your own shadow.
Sadness becomes your only companion, until you realize that you've become soulless. All that's left from you is skin and bone. You have no reasons to chase happiness. You no longer have the will to go further. You no longer exist. You're basically dead.

April 7th 2020, 00:25.

I realise I was too stupid to believe that you could ever care about me. That you could ever think about our friendship and my presence as something enjoyable and beautiful. I was just a burden, all the time. And as a burden, I'll be lifted of your shoulders.
You won't hear from me again. You won't read my name in your phone. You won't see me again.

But I loved you. More than you could ever imagine. More than you ever deserved. I loved you for real, I supported you even after you made me feel like shit.
Maybe I should've left way earlier. Maybe it would hurt less.

Be happy.
Goodbye. 

E lodhur. [8 Mars 2020]

Jam e lodhur nga njerëzit.
E keni parasysh lodhjen shpirtërore?
Shpirti im do pushim.
Pushim nga çdo njeri që e bën të ndihet i lodhur, i dërrmuar, i copëtuar.
Pushim nga dobësia e vet, tendenca për t'u afeksionuar pas atyre që nuk e meritojnë.
Pushim nga momentet kur kapërdin lotët që i mblidhen në fyt.
Pushim nga çdo rast kur mendja fillon e stërmendon çdo situatë e çdo njeri.
Pushim nga çdo lloj ndjenje.
Jam e lodhur, më kuptoni?

march 5th 2020.

Trying so hard to hate you.
Trying to count all of your flaws to remind myself daily of why I shouldn't even think of you.
Trying to remember all those times when you've made me feel like shit.
Trying to avoid seeing you everyday so my feelings can somehow vanish.
Trying to drown them with alcohol...
...and failing miserably.
Because I still love you.
More and more.
To the point where I feel hopeless.

july 18th 2020.

What the hell do I write today?
Every single day is the same. Same type of sadness, exhaust, mental blockage, anxiety, suicide thoughts.

People say: "get up, do something for your life".
How do I even do that when my strength is all gone.
Hope is all lost. I have zero will to fight for a better life. I feel completely NUMB.

Is this what death feels like?